Balancing Act

Here I am 7 weeks into my new life with two children. I love it! I really do, but I have these days like today when I feel like the balancing act is much too difficult. It's one of those days when Audrey wasn't being particularly naughty, and Liam didn't need me any more than usual. Audrey wants to help, sometimes too much. I do try to get her involved as much as possible, but today I wasn't into being creative with what she could do to help. So, she proceeded to climb on me when I was holding Liam, check his eyes and ears with her toy medical kit (as if she'd have a real one)...scary as she's trying to poke him in these sensitive areas. I kept pushing her off me, off him, and eventually out of the room because she wouldn't stop. After feeding, then changing him, I took an opportunity to hold him. I just wanted to hold my peaceful, content little baby. I feel like I often put him down to go onto my next task and he's pretty content so it seems ok, and then Audrey's ok because it's usually her I'm attending to. I just wanted to hold my baby, and I felt incredibly guilty for not paying attention to Audrey. I know all this is good, I know she'll adjust, I know Liam needs this time too. She is certainly not neglected, so why do I feel this incredible sense of guilt? I feel guilty because I made her leave the room so I could peacefully hold my baby. I didn't want to take the time to think of something for her to do for Liam. She's not a snuggler, so simply asking her to sit next to me or close while I hold him wasn't going to work. It was just easier for me to tell her to leave the room, to find something else to do. I never want her to think I don't love her, or that I'm pushing her away from me. I hope the moments that remain in her memory are the times we play, read, walk, talk, or watch movies together.

And then we have moments like this...