Wide Awake

It's almost 4am, and I've been wide awake for over an hour. This has become the trend in recent days. I am tired and willing to go back to sleep, but my body is preparing me for days when baby is up at all hours of the night. It's during these moments that I start to think...when will this baby come? I've been trying to keep myself occupied, and have done a fairly good job...during the day. It's these early hours of the morning that hit me the hardest. What else is there to think about? I usually end up spending some of this time in prayer. Praying for what? Praying for the baby to come, patience, for my body to fall back to sleep so that I won't have a difficult day with my daughter, and praying that I can focus on other things so that these days don't feel like eternity. I feel so self-focused. It's all I think about. Albert is working so hard at school trying to get everything ready for the start of the school year (sept. 4th) and I'm more worried about the idea of him not being able to spend a full week with me once this baby comes. I know in my head things will all work out, they always do, but my heart has a hard time fully believing that. Isn't that how it often is in our Christian walk? Do we TRULY believe that God knows and wants what is best for us - not that it means it will be easy or painless? Do I truly believe that God has a plan for my small family, and he's orchestrating every detail? I want to shout YES, but honestly I can't. Why? When time and time again God has proven himself? It's such a battle within myself, and with God. I seek to gain that control that only he can possess. How could I want that, with a mind so finite? I fool myself into thinking I know better...a true fool. Soon enough I will be holding this precious child in my arms, even at 4 am, thankful that God has all things in HIS time.